A spectacularly bad idea

Two weeks from today -- on June 19 -- a group of Metro council members and other city leaders plan to swim across the Cumberland River.

You really don't need to know any more about it than that to realize what a spectacularly bad idea it is.

And yet, like driving past an ugly accident along the interstate, one yearns to know more.

It seems the city's best and brightest believe a group swim is the best way to demonstrate just how the river has been restored and that the water is safe.

Despite the quality of the water, the group seems to miss the concept that it is a river. Rivers are generally not safe places in which to swim because of the undercurrents that run through them. As someone who grew up near the Mississippi, I can tell you many bodies are dragged out of that river each year because some yahoo thought he had a powerful breast stroke.

Now the Cumberland is not the Mississippi, but we don't need city leaders suggesting that a dip in the river is a reasonable course of action.

The council and others will have safety boats available to them -- which alone should indicate that this is a bad idea. It won't help the city's cause if someone is dragged out of the water gasping for air. Guess what the lede on the 10 p.m. news will be if that happens? It won't be how lip-smacking good Cumberland water is.

The distressing thing to all this is that the stunt is being organized by a lot of people I really like. They're smart people who fight for good causes.

But even smart people sometimes have bad ideas. This one one of those times.

Yes, the improvements in the Cumberland should be highlighted. The idea of having council members sign a resolution that calls for the supporting the health of the river is great.

But this idea has such a HUGE potential for disaster that it should be abandoned. Even if it comes off without a hitch, the story will be pictures of civic leaders in swim gear and the main focus of the story will be lost. Does anyone remember why Michael Dukakis was in the tank in the first place? Nope. They just remember Mike in an Army helmet. Council members should remember that it was that image that pretty much cost him the election.

Instead, host a party. Serve Cumberland Tea, Cumberland Lemonade and Cumberland Cocktails. I don't care what you do, but don't go swimming in the Cumberland. Remember, turkeys don't fly.

    -- Jim Grinstead

Comments

[Emily Evans]

Jim, sweetie:
People drown in the Miss-i-sip because they cannot swim or because they have not taken the proper safety precautions. To start with, most of us can swim. I try to swim 2-3 miles a week. Yes it is in a pool at a much higher temp but 1 mile in a pool is a least as difficult as 500 feet in a river. To further assuage your concerns, Mr. Potter at Water Services has directed that we all wear lifevests. This will make swimming and drowning much harder.

We have also taken the necessary precautions regarding disruptions in wildlife habitat. Snakes, fish, fowl and other species will be offered counseling and therapy to assist with their recovery from sharing the river with humanity.

Lastly, the current of the Cumberland is largely a construct of man. The Army Corp of Engineers has agreed to turn the spigot off so things move a little more slowly.

Hope this helps with your concerns. You are more then welcome to join us on the 19th unless you are scared or hate to get your hair wet. Either way, we will understand.

Regards,

Emily Evans
Swimmer

[Jim Grinstead]

Thank heavens for the counseling! I had not considered the trauma to turtles.

I appreciate the invitation to join you, but I'll pass. I'm far too out of shape for anything more challenging than a lap pool and I applaud your discipline for exercise. It's a skill I never mastered.

I also never mastered holding on to my hair -- there isn't enough left to worry about getting wet.

Fear of the water I did conquer. The lifeguard classes helped. The years as a sport scuba diver did also.

In fact, when I got caught in an ocean current during a supervised night dive, and rolled ass over teakettle down a reef for a quarter mile, I was able to keep my wits about me. It seems no matter how good a swimmer you think you are, you're no match for even a modest current.

I truly hope you and the other swimmers make it to shore and have a HUGE laugh at my expense. I also hope no one with less skill and less protection decides to follow your example.

I've seen enough people terribly frightened, dead or nearly so pulled out of various bodies of water to last me a lifetime. Nearly all of the events could have been avoided with a little clarity of thought.

Maybe I'm overly paranoid, but I know there are better ways to celebrate the progress made on the Cumberland.

Thanks for your comment and don't forget your sunscreen.

[Blake Williams]

I think it's a great idea. After all, there are many swims that take place to celebrate the cleaning up of various bodies of water. Tampa Bay for example...a 24 MILE swim (which I will be participating in next April).

It is in fact the ill-prepared who are overtaken by waters such as the Mississippi.

I will also be participating in the swim across the Cumberland if I can rearrange my flight to Key West (which I will be swimming around, 12.5 MILES, on Saturday, June 21).